Copyright © 2011 Jaideep Ranade

Pune: a city where things are slightly… different, to put it mildly. People of all sorts live here, work here and drive to and fro from work and home. Then there are some who just drive around for fun. What is common to most of these city folk, however, is the way they drive. And in Pune, it is somewhat unique. By observing Pune traffic, I have figured out the traffic rules that shouldn’t be, but are applied in this city. Here are some of them:

Rule #1: Follow rules… only when the cops are present

This rule may not be that unique to Pune, but it is the most important rule if you want to get anywhere. Own the road. You have the right of way. Signals at crossings mean nothing… as long as no officials are watching, waiting to catch you. If there’s no one to stop you, you better break the rules because if you don’t, you aren’t going to reach anywhere. People will keep getting in your way, forcing to move aside, or to let them pass, and there’s no end to the number of people who want to get ahead of you on the road, if only for a few seconds.

Rule #2: Drive carefully… when driving the wrong way

If you are driving on a one-way street, be careful and be on the lookout for people coming the wrong way. If you block their path, they’re going to get angry. They have right of way. If it’s an auto-rickshaw coming the wrong way, steer clear, even if it means hitting the car besides you; better the car than you, because the rickshaw driver is surely going to start attacking you if you get in his way.

Rule #3: Use footpaths… when the roads are congested

Generally- not always, but generally- the footpaths on the side of the roads are meant for people travelling on foot. But when that traffic gets going, the footpath is the two-wheeler’s friend. And if you’re walking on the footpath, you better be careful, because if you get in their way, you’re going to get hurt.

Rule #4: Use indicators… just after you start turning

This is something I always watch out for. People don’t like indicating which way are want to turn. They do it, but grudgingly, and only after they have already started turning. And if you aren’t careful, you’ll end up standing in the middle of the road fighting with the guy who believes he was right and you were wrong.

Rule #5: Overtake from the… wherever

It’s very easy to drive a car. Anybody can drive. The real skills is in driving while anticipating what idiots around you will do. One always overtakes from the fast lane. But that is difficult to do if you have half-a-piston-engine cars stubbornly driving from the fast lane unwilling to give way to the cars behind. What do you do then? If there’s no divider in the road, then you can move to the fast lane in the other direction to overtake from there, or you can overtake from the slow lane and vindictively cut in front of the slowpoke to scare him or something. And if there’s cars parked on one lane, just bang the meathead driving like your granny walks.

Rule #6: Observe lane discipline… just observe. No need to actually follow it

I don’t think most people here have ever heard of this concept: Lane Discipline. If you find a gap in between cars, take it. Don’t bother with which lane it is in or how closely you’ll have to cut in into the other lane. If you don’t drive that way, you’ll surely get stuck behind some idiotic slowpoke driving in the middle of road, blocking two lanes of the road. Most roads in Pune are two-lane roads anyway.

Rule #7: If in a minor accident… stop in the middle of the road to argue and fight

This is the most observed rule in Pune. With so many cars on the roads, none of them observing lane-discipline and basic road-etiquette, minor scuffles are unavoidable. A car bumps another, or a bike scratches a car, or a bus takes off a mirror; these things are so common most people expect it to happen now and again. So what do these people do? They could move their cars to the side of the road and peacefully come to a solution to their mutual problem. But that’s to grown-up. It’s always better to stop your vehicles in the middle of the road and fight and curse loudly while everyone around you tries to get through.

Rule #8: If witness to an accident… pelt stones at the offenders

Minor accidents happen every few minutes, but every now and again, there are accidents in which some are seriously injured, and some are killed. If you see such an accident, I used to think the first thing that would come to your mind would be to help the injured. Not so in Pune. No one cares whose fault the accident actually was; it is always the one with the bigger car that is the offender. Instead of helping the injured, you should pelt stones and beat up the people in the bigger car. The bigger the car, the more the stones, the harder the beating. If it’s a bus, it’s not enough to destroy just one bus, but you must destroy a few more. That is the set protocol. Join in with the mob. Release the pent up anger inside you. Why you are angry and frustrated is a topic for another day’s discussion. Just don’t get arrested and you’ll have a lot of fun… at someone else’s expense. Forget the injured people. Someone will come along eventually to help them.

Rule #9: Use horn… all the effing time

Traffic abounds in Pune, and it just keeps on increasing. No one observes lane discipline and everyone gets in everyone else’s way. So it is quite obvious that people honk horns. But with some people, it is partly a habit to honk horns even if the roads are virtually empty and partly a licence to drive like crazy idiots. Maybe these horny (pun intended) people think it’s better to be loud and obnoxious and fast than safe and quiet and slightly slow?

I wanted to come up with ten rules, but I can’t think of any other rule that won’t offend someone or the other .This article is meant to be humorous. Don’t read too much into it. At the same time, don’t read too little into it either. Rules are meant to be broken so that those who make the rules can make money. There are rules and there are etiquettes for driving. Following just one or the other won’t make you a good driver. And no matter how good a driver you are, if you can’t drive in accord with the rest of the crowd, then you’re just another idiot on the road.