Copyright © 2011 Jaideep Ranade

Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin held the much coveted seat of Premier of the Soviet Union for a little while, which everyone still alive from that period remembers only as a time when mimicking Stalin by being constipated could save your life. Stalin was among the Bolshevik revolutionaries, a small group that believed in shaving their privates (and sometimes even their lieutenants and captains) every morning before breakfast, which was the same group that brought about the October Revolution in November.

Stalin brought about the dark-grey revolution, which transformed the agrarian economy into an industrial one. However, to accommodate all the people into the newly advanced industrial culture by providing enough food which was no longer there, he sent millions of people to penial labour camps, where most men died from being castrated- it was cold, and shaved privates shriveled and died. Because of all the problems involved in changing the whole country’s outlook towards industry (without any support from Microsoft, whose customer service then- as now- left much to be desired), Stalin had to learn to suppress all opposition, but little did he know that suppressing urges too often leads to constipation, which eventually culminated in the Great Purge, the only known solution to his condition at the time.

In 1953, a mild stroke left Stalin unable to move, with no control over his bowels, which solved his stomach issues. Four days later, he was to die of a cerebral hemorrhage, but only in his final moments did he realize that all the deaths he had caused could have been avoided if only he had found a better solution than the Great Purge. A paralyzed Stalin’s last words to Peter Lozgachev, the Deputy Commandant of Kuntsevo (another faction that believed in shaving their privates) were “Xmplrtyxmly!”